Constitutional Right #84: You do NOT block a shot on The O’Reilly Factor

•January 8, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Bill O'ReillyI don’t know about you, but I’m really missing the Daily Show on our screens at the mo. There’s just so much fodder for Jon Stewart to work with these days, his daily musings could well become some sort of 24-hour rolling news service providing just a little more hilarity than the folks at Fox News. Hillary crying, Huckabee faltering, McCain arriving in New Hampshire with his zimmer, Ron Paul’s… Ron Paul.

It’s been known for some time that Fox does not like being told off, particularly when the story rotates around anything that resembles a Democrat. (Remember children, they will take your candy AND punch you in the stomach!) Hence what can only be described as the moment of the campaign in NH. Yes, forget Hillary’s tears. Waffler’s award for ‘Outstanding Achievement at the New Hampshire Primaries’ goes to Marvin Nicholson.

Marvin is just another member of the Obama team who was drafted in to protect Barack from stalkers, weirdos and Bill O’Reilly. Fortunately, the stalkers and weirdos decided not to get involved. Unfortunately, Bill decided to get physical, throw his weight around, call Marvin a ‘son of a bitch’ and shout his head off at Obama. Bill is convinced that Marvin was “a 6’8″ guy who apparently works for Obama”. If only he was shorter, Bill says in a roundabout way, Marvin would be picking pieces of O’Reilly out of his face til next week. Just another lesson in the Bill O’Reilly School of Journalism.

And when the going gets tough? Bill decided to flick through his NRA guidebook of excuses stopping on ‘it’s in the Constitution, damnit’.

No, seriously.

Even better was to happen when O’Reilly sought to explain himself live on Fox News. Let me put it to you this way: if Jeremy Paxman used these words regarding Newsnight, I’d give up on the media altogether. He stated: “No one on this Earth is going to block a shot on the O’Reilly Factor.” Nobody? Hmmm, not convinced Bill. Something tells me if Laura Bush was blocking the shot of her husband, Bill would not call Laura a ‘bitch’ or call her ‘low class’.

Still, Waffler has said it before and I’ll say it again: Isn’t it just fun to watch Fox squirm?

Take a look at the video. It’s just like The Daily Show… only funnier. My favourite part is when he starts shouting ‘Hey Senator!! A word please!’ Oh how I wish I was in the Bill O’Reilly School of Journalism…

Are you the cheese to my onion?

•January 8, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Following a brief forray into the world of politics which resulted in him causing more outrage among county councils than many of the candidates, Mr. Tayto is back on his latest promotion jaunt. With only four weeks until St. Hallmark Day (also known as St. Valentine’s Day), it’s time to find Mr. Tayto his very own Mrs. Tayto. In what looks to Waffler like an online version of the Lovely Girl Contest, girls are invited to upload their picture and say why they really, really should be the winner.

Regretfully, the entries so far have been a little disappointing. If the question ‘why do you want to be Mrs. Tayto’ was a witty tie-breaker competition, well I’d ask Mr. Tayto he’s better off a bachelor. Among the answers so far are:

  • “I will accompany Mr. Tayto on all his business trips to promote his crisps.”
  • “I know him the best.”
  • “I can eat a whole bag of Tayto crisps in two minutes.”
  • “I understand everything about potatoes.”
  • “All my friends will vote or I’ll kill them.”

And my personal fave:

  • “Because I love to eat crisps in bed.”

Racey.

Mr. Tayto has also (stupidly) asked guys for their cheesy chat-up lines. Waffler wouldn’t be able to reproduce any of them as the stink of cheese would be hanging around this blog for days on end. Suffice to say they’re scary. Scary.

Makes me wonder what the prize for this wonderous achievement will be? A modelling contract? A date with aforementioned Mr. Tayto? A lifetime supply of Mr. Tayto’s magnificent product? Ummm, the truth is probably nothing, nada, zilch. Maybe a kiss from a bloke dressed as Mr. Tayto and a photo in the ‘Dodgy Photo Opportunity’ section of The Chancer.

Oh, the glory!

More :: Mr. Tayto on the interweb…

Waffler is back. Back! BACK!

•January 8, 2008 • 1 Comment

WantedJaysus, was November 13th the last time Waffler was alive and well? Unlucky for some?! Aaaannnyway, Waffler is back after his longish hibernation from the real world. Ok, sigh, I was running Hillary Clinton’s campaign until ‘someone’ found out that we’d used all but $20 million of our campaign money. I used the whole ‘the money was just resting in my account’ spiel but I’m not exactly a Taoiseach or anything!

Gosh, I really have missed out on a hell of a lot. I feel sad. There was the whole tribunal thing, there was the whole Genesis thing, there was the whole US Election thingamajig, the Radiohead thing and the whole Christmas hullaballoo. Yes, it really has been a turbulent time in the world of Ireland Inc.

Oh and I got a jumper for Christmas. Maybe you didn’t need to know that.

Now that we’re back in motion expect posts a bit more regularly. Waffler is a working man, now, don’t you know.

Oh alright, here’s what I really was doing over the past two months…

“He’s taking my stuff, Mick!”

•November 13, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Yes, it’s the cosy breakfast-time sofa chat that descended into a slagging match. Who would have thought Ireland AM would become so violent? I always thought any violence would be due to Mark Cagney saying “You mean I’m still presenting this bloody thing??”

Anyway, the actual reasons are complicated. Suffice to say all hell broke loose when TV3 producers, in their wisdom, decided to bring the two sides of a dispute regarding allegations of sexual abuse against a family together for a cosy pre-9am chat with Mark Cagney. A bit like bringing OJ Simpson and his dead wife’s family face-to-face. It was gonna end in tears.

More :: Rival Writers in TV dust-up (Independent.ie)

An Olympic Champion Walker is in danger: Does he walk or run?

•November 1, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Proving once again that television in Japan is:

  1. Crazy
  2. Dangerous
  3. A threat to foreigners
  4. Madcap
  5. Funny as hell

They test the questions that all of us have once asked. If you asked an Olympic judge he would probably say one foot was on the ground at all times…

First sign of Halloween: Men turning into Women

•October 31, 2007 • Leave a Comment

MetrosexualIt’s the scariest day of the year and while Waffler awaits the first knock on the door from the Trick or Treaters (I plan to give them grapes and bananas – much more healthy), the scariest survey of the year is out. One-third of men are turning into women. Fact. Why, you ask?

Because Science Week is coming up, a survey on gadgets and gizmos was commissioned by those behind it. All very scientific and in truth, not that much surprise. 48% own the latest games console, 37% own a plasma screen TV and 52% own George Foreman. Sorry, that should be a George Foreman Grill although how much he’s getting for that who knows – more than his boxing days probably. Does he use his grill for breakfast, lunch and dinner? I wonder.

The bit that really got me though was when it came to owning hair straighteners. Two-thirds of women own a pair – which actually seems a little low considering this is dealing with the 25-44  age group. But what’s worrying is a third of men own a hair straightener. Yep, that’s 33% of the 25-44 group. 1 in 3 of your mates down the pub watching the match. It used to be that men had to ask “what the hell are GHDs?” Now they buy the things… Maybe even the pink ones!

It’s another triumph for the metrosexual. The man who walks down the street looking prim and proper and with immaculate hair. In truth, it’s a wonder a third of men own one seeing as I don’t know that many guys with hair long enough for GHDs to be used. If the survey is to be believed, five members of the Irish rugby first team own a hair straightener. My money’s on John Hayes. It’s a wonder one of them didn’t advertise GHDs for the duration of the tour – Ronan O’Gara was putting weight behind everything else. “This is Ronan O’Gara. All my life I’ve been chasing silverware with frizzy, curly locks. Now I use the new silver GHD straightener…” Makes sense to me.

More :: Third of men own a hair straightener – Survey (RTÉ) 

What happens when the tourists leave

•October 30, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Just found this on YouTube and started off by cringing at the thought of yet another international ad’s depiction of what Ireland is like. It turns out it’s probably a very good interpretation of what happens in an Irish pub when all those tourists leave. Just imagine what happens when all those foreign workers at Johnnie Fox’s finish up for the night. Even the dog joins in! There’s also a Jamaican version which is also great stuff!